Has something died inside me, or has it just been dormant?
I vaguely remember a time when I had a fire that burned deeply within my soul. The embers were hot and seared my flesh spilling flames outward for all to see. There was nothing that could smother my burning desire to express this passion. My fire was being a musician.
I would sacrifice anything and everything I had or was to be in a band or play on stage. I made poor life decisions altering my adulthood forever just so I could get the next gig, or to share the stage with one of my idols. I was all in and nothing stood in my way from reaching the top. Nothing except of course what happens to the majority of aspiring musicians that never realize their dreams. I grew up.
Life as it seems has it's way of getting people stuck in a rut. You get that job that is supposed to sustain your creativity, however it becomes the very thing that stifles it. You make a few small sacrifices at first, but over time making bigger sacrifices becomes commonplace. Your creative outlets start to suffer and your dreams go unfulfilled. Pretty soon 10 years has passed before you know it. You may get married and start a family, or buy a house or all of the above. When you get to that phase you are committed to your responsibilities and any dreams you have may take a back seat or fade away completely.
This is the very scenario I've gone through with my life and it's been bittersweet. On one hand I'm blessed with a wonderful family. I have a beautiful wife, a really great son, and a decent home. For the moment I like my job and all of our basic needs are met. I feel extremely lucky, and for the most part have no needs for anything more. On the other hand however, I still have that occasional longing for the life I dreamed about when I was young. The life where my sole purpose was to make music and perform for a living. I occasionally get these feelings, but if the opportunity presented itself to me today would I sacrifice the life I have now to start living the one I wanted as a younger man? Could I have both? I am conflicted with these thoughts.
I'm positive I would not leave any aspect (less my job) of my current life behind. I can't justify losing one dream to fulfill another. That is why I won't quit dreaming either. If it would happen it would have to be under the right conditions. I would have to feel like it was the right path. It would have to feel like a higher calling.
No way in hell at this point will I ever again try and pursue projects that are past my time. Heavy metal and cocky hard rock bands are out of the question. I'm too old for that shit. Would I still rock out? Absolutely, but I'm not going to be joining any death metal or power metal bands anymore. I'm done with the gimmicky stuff and show-off shit. It has to be real. It has to be from the heart. It has to speak to me.
It's been years since I've had any real inspiration of my own. I've been playing in bands, but mostly just following along since about 2005. I've been contributing without a real connection. There in body, but not in spirit as you might say. It's been good practice, but I have had a void in me for a while. Playing the death metal shit was fun, but let's face it, it just doesn't move me like a good rock song. But I played it anyway. Sometimes I liked it, but looking back I see now how miserable I was trying to be this fucking rock star that could play blast beats and triplets. Wow, so original. I was a metal drummer in a vast sea of shitty metal bands that no one cared to see.
So for a while I was this wreck of a being. I was a piece of gear that came with an instruction manual that said "insert drummer here" and play. I was trying to find that next new sound or big payoff act. I wasn't listening to my heart like I should have been. More concerned with fame and the possibility of payout than what it was really about. Regardless of if I thought some of the music was good, the situation more often than not was bad.
Where I'm at right now though, is a different place. Now I have inspiration again. After years of stagnancy I'm starting to feel the flames re-kindling within myself. I've written music before, but for the first time I'm actually rethinking how I write and arrange material. I'm putting real thought into it and creating a connection, rather than just making noise that sounds cool. I'm listening to a lot of the music that inspired me to become a musician in the first place. I'm not worried about where it will take me, or what I can gain. I'm finding new ways to approach and play instruments. I'm relearning my craft.
I would sacrifice anything and everything I had or was to be in a band or play on stage. I made poor life decisions altering my adulthood forever just so I could get the next gig, or to share the stage with one of my idols. I was all in and nothing stood in my way from reaching the top. Nothing except of course what happens to the majority of aspiring musicians that never realize their dreams. I grew up.
Life as it seems has it's way of getting people stuck in a rut. You get that job that is supposed to sustain your creativity, however it becomes the very thing that stifles it. You make a few small sacrifices at first, but over time making bigger sacrifices becomes commonplace. Your creative outlets start to suffer and your dreams go unfulfilled. Pretty soon 10 years has passed before you know it. You may get married and start a family, or buy a house or all of the above. When you get to that phase you are committed to your responsibilities and any dreams you have may take a back seat or fade away completely.
This is the very scenario I've gone through with my life and it's been bittersweet. On one hand I'm blessed with a wonderful family. I have a beautiful wife, a really great son, and a decent home. For the moment I like my job and all of our basic needs are met. I feel extremely lucky, and for the most part have no needs for anything more. On the other hand however, I still have that occasional longing for the life I dreamed about when I was young. The life where my sole purpose was to make music and perform for a living. I occasionally get these feelings, but if the opportunity presented itself to me today would I sacrifice the life I have now to start living the one I wanted as a younger man? Could I have both? I am conflicted with these thoughts.
I'm positive I would not leave any aspect (less my job) of my current life behind. I can't justify losing one dream to fulfill another. That is why I won't quit dreaming either. If it would happen it would have to be under the right conditions. I would have to feel like it was the right path. It would have to feel like a higher calling.
No way in hell at this point will I ever again try and pursue projects that are past my time. Heavy metal and cocky hard rock bands are out of the question. I'm too old for that shit. Would I still rock out? Absolutely, but I'm not going to be joining any death metal or power metal bands anymore. I'm done with the gimmicky stuff and show-off shit. It has to be real. It has to be from the heart. It has to speak to me.
It's been years since I've had any real inspiration of my own. I've been playing in bands, but mostly just following along since about 2005. I've been contributing without a real connection. There in body, but not in spirit as you might say. It's been good practice, but I have had a void in me for a while. Playing the death metal shit was fun, but let's face it, it just doesn't move me like a good rock song. But I played it anyway. Sometimes I liked it, but looking back I see now how miserable I was trying to be this fucking rock star that could play blast beats and triplets. Wow, so original. I was a metal drummer in a vast sea of shitty metal bands that no one cared to see.
So for a while I was this wreck of a being. I was a piece of gear that came with an instruction manual that said "insert drummer here" and play. I was trying to find that next new sound or big payoff act. I wasn't listening to my heart like I should have been. More concerned with fame and the possibility of payout than what it was really about. Regardless of if I thought some of the music was good, the situation more often than not was bad.
Where I'm at right now though, is a different place. Now I have inspiration again. After years of stagnancy I'm starting to feel the flames re-kindling within myself. I've written music before, but for the first time I'm actually rethinking how I write and arrange material. I'm putting real thought into it and creating a connection, rather than just making noise that sounds cool. I'm listening to a lot of the music that inspired me to become a musician in the first place. I'm not worried about where it will take me, or what I can gain. I'm finding new ways to approach and play instruments. I'm relearning my craft.
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